Learning to fear

Learning to fear

I don’t know how it actually happened. But I learned to fear. Being afraid was more common than love, I often felt fear, and I seldom felt love. In some way, I had gained more knowledge and experience concerning fear than in giving, sharing, being kind and the numerous expressions of love. I also believed that everyone else thought the same way I did. Surely how I saw the world was the same way as others saw the world.

Back in South Dakota, in the Caputa two room schoolhouse where I attended fourth grade, I had a very bad year. That year was full of conflicts with students who sought to control me and my brother. We had conflicts with the teacher. We had conflicts at home because of the conflicts at school.

The students were led by a group of boys who wanted to verbally, physical and socially put us in our place. One boy’s father was on the school board, and he had political power. They used that power.  Physically assaulting me and pulling off my pants to shame me, was one of the final blows. Dad thought it was all my fault, and I am sure I was an aggressive, physical, mouthy child. After the teacher took a red pen and scribbled on the top of my head until blood stream down my face, my Mom decided that something should be done. It was. We were declared to be at fault by the Dad who controlled the school board and removed from school. The other boys were hero’s for helping to remove the “problem children.”

In that year, I learned that I was not in control. My response to not being in control was to develop fear.  I had no control over students, teachers, siblings, parents; not even the dog would consistently obey me. You can try as hard as you want, wish as much as you can, and still not have one ounce of control over what happens to you. If you want to have control, but do not, what choice do you have but to fear?

Many people today are in the school of fear. World and home events are revealing to them they are not in control. The fear of flying, the fear of spiders, and the fear of heights are all manageable through elements of controlling our behavior. All these fears are real.  But when the conditions of life offer no such controls, no way to choose what we are going to be caught up in, we are in the school of fear.  

Through my schooling I first tried to use problem solving tools to deal with control and fear. When I thought fearful thoughts I would build strategies to defend myself of have a way of escape. I worked hard at “getting out of trouble” even when the trouble was only a perception in my thought life.  My perception skills were developed, my mind focused on what was going on around me and how I could control what might happen to me. I lived an intense mental life. My world was a never ending evaluation, I was always developing strategies to stay in control and out of the control of others.  I became skilled at reading people. I could look at a situation and find places where shame, pain or humiliation might be possible for me. I learned to strike first in word and deed so that even if a conflict emerged, I was the aggressor and I at least felt like I was in control.

A Psalm of David.

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows. Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.   Psa 23:1-6 NASB

We are all going to walk through some deep darkness. That is the literal translation of “valley” above. Not fearing is not possible unless we learn to receive the comfort of God’s “rod” and “staff.” Most of us spend decades seeking to overcome fear based on human effort. Many of us try to use something of this earth to deal with fear. Things like control, eating, anger, or emotional outburst are all things I have tried. Most of us end up as managers and few of us mature to the place of having our beings remade into new creatures of the Lord. Being that have no need to fear based on the finish work of Jesus Christ, our Shepherd.

I am not going to instruct you on the “rod” and “staff.” I want you to seek it out so that in finding you are changed. There are times when informing people is not beneficial to them. There are times when pointing people in the right direction and asking them to walk it out is the best thing we can do for them.  So grab a dictionary of Biblical imagery, crack open a Biblical cultures book and take off on a journey of discovery. Remember, you don’t know what you don’t know.

Try to push aside the “easy answers” and common phrases. Look deeper than “what will help right now” and seek to discover what will help forever. Your first step in growth may come through not needing to control what you will learn, thus allowing yourself to enjoy both freedom and loss of control. When what you learn becomes overwhelming stop for a while.  Seek to practice what you discover and not just “know about it.” In the end, discover how importing the word “and” is.