Rod, what are you thinking?

So this week I was working on a script for a podcast dealing with the questions, “Is repentance “trying harder”?  I was seeking to understand passion, focus and what principles might be applied to repentance and trying harder.  Then my mind went to the issue of “do you want to be great?”.  I assumed people might repent in an attempt to become more, not necessarily more Godly but more significant, important to their religious community or to move into a more esteemed position.  Then, like you just did I suppose, my mind turned to “blind Bartimaeus”. 

And they came to Jericho. And as he was leaving Jericho with his disciples and a great crowd, Bartimaeus, a blind beggar, the son of Timaeus, was sitting by the roadside. And when he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to cry out and say, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" And many rebuked him, telling him to be silent. But he cried out all the more, "Son of David, have mercy on me!" And Jesus stopped and said, "Call him." And they called the blind man, saying to him, "Take heart. Get up; he is calling you." And throwing off his cloak, he sprang up and came to Jesus. And Jesus said to him, "What do you want me to do for you?" And the blind man said to him, "Rabbi, let me recover my sight." And Jesus said to him, "Go your way; your faith has made you well." And immediately he recovered his sight and followed him on the way.

(Mar 10:46-52 ESV)

Bartimeus wanted to repent.  He wanted to turn away from his visionless life and see.  He wanted to be something different; maybe he wanted to be “greater” than he was.  So I thought a while on mercy, needing others, dependency and what it takes in life to allow others to help us.  From the thoughts on helping I went to thoughts on leadership.  Leadership is helping others right.  I mean we often pretend at least that leaders are servants.  So how can leaders lead without being “controlling?”  How can we lead without elevating something to fear, to react to?  How can we lead without manipulation?  What is the goal of leadership anyway?  Is it to get people to do want you want?  Is it to have them arrive at some measurable goal?  Are leaders those with people following them?  I was told several times in my past that if no one was following me then I was not a leader.  I didn’t say anything at the time but I wondered if these people had ever read the story of everyone deserting Paul or leaving Jesus?  I think God is a very good leader and there are a great many people not following Him.

So that caused me to think about discipleship, rewards, responsibility, justice and punishment.  I meditated on how each one of these was linked to teaching, coaching and friendship.  I went to the place where leadership was being responsible for others, followers and non-followers.  It is like Jesus casting His love and deeds upon the earth and saying “whosoever wills”.  So that made me think on authority.  Do you need authority to lead, to coach, to drive school bus?

Then I realized that I was doing some soul searching.  Soul searching is meditation, isolation with God and in internal interview.  These thoughts led me to a chapter in a book that I was reading about connecting with God and how most of our connection is NOT done in the Jesus way.  Jesus had the custom of isolated prayer.  (Mat_6:6, Mat_26:36; Mar_6:46; Luk_6:12; Joh_6:15-17)  So why do we mostly pray in a way other than Jesus prayed?  Why do we tend to pray in groups and in meetings and tend to miss alone prayer time?

So I read some more.  I read from church history and from some modern authors.  Then I starting to think, why am I thinking about this?  Am I just trying to work harder and be great?